un-noticed

i laugh when i am in pain
i laugh a lot

lies lies lies lies

change ; must

happyyy

if you arnt then take some ..

SKINS

retarded step family Ugh

Sitting here I am saying to myself 'what the hell am I doing?' its them and then.. Its me. In this stupid so called family, I am no one... Basically just a person that is there but not apart of. Like wth. they literally don't aknowledge me. The one only time some one talks to me or like looks at me is my dad when he is telling me what to do. It is so funny becasue when he is just with me he won't leave me alone, I have to lock myself in my room so he won't bother me. But when deborah and casey come he ignores me completely haha and get this deborah and my dad are meant to be happily marrie yet, she lives with casey in savannah and he lives by himself in north carolina. And last night while I was watching skins online everyone went to bed and deborah slept on the couch. I just find it so weird. Now we are in the car on our way to go do this nascar thing, we get driven by some famous dude in his nascar like 200 times around the course at 250 miles an hour and it come almost upside down. they are doing this for casey, my step brother. Who I must add is a freakin weird freak looser sick ou. I am so scared of him. I'm like a tag along today Guh-reat. Then my dad is dropping me and casey at this theme park, caro winds. Its a really cool place but its going to be just me ..and casey...by ourselfs.. I am freakin out. I am so scared that he might try rape me in the bathrooms or something. Fuck. I need to smoke. Badly! I'm getting so stressed. I JUST WANT TO COME HOME! Oh I have come to the realisation that I do actually love my mom, I don't hate her. I realised this becasue we were on our way back from this battle of the bands, and my dad was quite drunk and we had to drive home hahaha. Then somehow we started talking about my mom and him etc. And my family has a tendency to speak nothing but the truth when they are drunk or high. So anyway, I asked him if he ever loved my mom and he said no. So I said how can you say that, you married her? He said well I didn't really wanna get married, all our friends were and we were just happy together so we did. And then I said but you had TWO children with her?! How can you do that if touch wernt inlove? He said well your sister was a mistake and then when she died we had you to make up for her. I do regret it. I started crying becasue he just told me to my face that I was born to avenge my sisters death and that he regrets ever having me. Wow gee THANKS! Then he was telling me how he has only ever had one love, and that was some chick he met OVER THE INTERNET! I know what the Fuck! So so so so weird! Anyway, that's why he moved to america to be with her. He left everything behind in cape town for some chick he met over the internet. but when he arrived in america she said um no I don't want to be with you. So he was upset. He didn't have anything. two months later he got back on that stupid dating website or whatever, so pathetic. And met deborah. Then they got married. He doesn't even love her. Another of my mom all over. He then proceeded to tell me that he will never have another child becasue they just screw everything up. Ah I love my dad, stupid fucking asshole. Bitch. I miss cape town I want to come home and leave all these messed up freaks behind. Screw them. We are at the nascar stadium now so I have to go. But there's a breakdown of my messed up life and family. Ex oh

over it

I've got to stop being a looser and suck it up. Get myself together! :) put a smile on my dile. Yes. I think its for the best :)

i am inlove with you

you slipped away like a fist full of sand

Every morning I wake up and you are home

But in your eyes I see that I'm alone

You've left me with your body in my arms

But I can't feel you anymore , you are gone

I can touch your skin but you aren't there

Frustration burns in me, it's more than I can bear

I wanna take you in my fists and squeeze the life back into you

But there is nothing I can do, you are gone

And I can hold you in my hands

But you slipped away like a fist full of sand

I can hold you in my hands

But you are gone, you are gone, you are gone

You've slipped away like a fistful of sand

You've slipped away like a fistful of sand

You've slipped away like a fistful of sand

You are gone, you are gone, you are gone

I am staring straight into your eyes

You never turn away or tell me lies

But you are with some other man while I am lying next to you

And there is nothing I can do, you are gone

And I can hold you in my hands

But you slipped away like a fist full of sand

I can hold you in my hands

But you are gone, you are gone, you are gone

You've slipped away like a fistful of sand

You've slipped away like a fistful of sand

You've slipped away like a fistful of sand

You are gone, you are gone, you are gone

- The Bravery ; Fist Full Of Sand

road back

i am asking you nicely please dont make me go back to the place i used to be, i dont think i will be able to survive if the old habits return. please no. im begging you dont go. i dont want to go back to how it used to be, i dont want to have to live in fear and lie about where i have been and what i have been doing. im begging you no. please dont go. im scared to go back, i dont want to. i cant do this. i am heading back down the road.

please no

i feel empty.

i need you back.

i WANT you back.

but if i do i will be called a fool.

so what i have to do is put on a smile and stay a while.